Just like my character in the book, "Heal me, Mend me, Use me, Send me," I too suffer from recurring bouts of depression. You would think that after what is now 27 years of living with chronic pain that I could avoid the deep, dark drop into depression, but it still hits. And it hits when I least expect it!
The negative questions start to rise up like a volcano.
- Will I ever get better than this?
- Does God even listen to my same old prayer anymore?
- Why did God leave me this way?
- What did I do wrong to cause my life of chronic pain?
- What if God does not heal me?
- How do I live forever like this?
- Why would my husband want to stay with a woman who is damaged?
- This is not fair to me or to my husband and he is better off without me!
- God, if you are going to leave me this way, why won’t you take me home?
These thoughts are a trap that leads straight to depression, more physical pain, and then ever increasing emotional pain followed by a loss of self-esteem. I start to push my husband away from me as the irrational, cynical, and mocking voice inside my head repeats all these questions as if they are affirmations of my real life. And just when I push him to the brink, I realize that he loves me enough to stay with me through the battles of living with chronic pain and I come home to that sweet place where I am loved. I am amazed by the depth of my husband’s love and I am so blessed that this bond is stronger than me.
And through my tears I cry out to God for forgiveness of my doubting that He loves me and He cares for me. God does have a higher plan for my life even though I can’t see beyond the pain. And He forgives me for not trusting Him to carry me through this ordeal and the blood of the Lamb, Jesus, covers me and I am made whole again.
My mind, body, and spirit are exhausted. I find rest in the Lord and the strength to go on through another day knowing that my chronic pain is on the cusp of improvement. I can wait. I can be patient. I know that God will answer my prayers.
Wow when I read these two questions it was like you were talking about my thoughts.....
ReplyDeleteWhy would my husband want to stay with a woman who is damaged?
This is not fair to me or to my husband and he is better off without me!
I have suffered with Narcolepsy/Cataplexy for many years. My body has deteriorated through the years (Hypothyroidism, depression, chronic fatigue, fibromyalgia and heart problems.) Many times it's a challenge to do even very simple things throughout the day. My husband is my guardian angel sent from God above. I believe God brought me to your blog today to help answer my questions. I wanted to thank you for your blog and the inspiration you bring to others. Take care