Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Who Is This Entity Called Pain?

As I read many of the blogs about chronic pain there is always a common thread. Pain is a thief, an intruder, something that destroys, challenges people when they are exhausted, and changes their lives forever. I have come to terms with my personal ordeal with pain, vowing to handle anything that it throws at me through the grace of God. And I do, well most days, ok, some days. Until, it strikes back again with such power and force that it leaves me weak, frightened, and ready to give up.

Chronic pain destroyed a 30 year career in healthcare administration, leaving me unemployed, and searching for answers. I began a new career as an author, feeling proud that even with my illness, I could be productive once more. I started writing my second novel, hopeful that it too would be accepted for publication. I began dreaming of the fulfilling new life ahead, one where I could pen a book every couple of months, support my family, and regain everything that I had lost.

Pain doesn’t deserve the capital P, it just takes it. Whenever I start to feel better, even slight improvements, I quickly forget all limitations. You would have thought by now that I had learned my lesson. After what may be the hundredth time, once more I had to learn that I am not in control of anything. I can not sit at my computer for more than 20 minutes, period! If I do, I pay for it later and the price enacted is just too steep. The other day I was very involved in my storyline and wrote for about an hour before my pain level became too high to ignore.

So what do you think I did? I pushed on for another 30 minutes because I wanted it more than anything at that moment. By the time my brain became reasonable again, the damage was done. I have spent the last 5 days in extreme agony and pain. I am angry at myself for being childish, foolish, and plain proud again. God had already dealt with me about my false pride and had humbled me, but then I allowed my ego to gain footing, forcing me past the breaking point. I am too embarrassed to even seek out my physician for relief. I have suffered to my next scheduled appointment, where I know my physician will inject my neck with steroids to reduce the inflammation.

So I pray to God that this time I have learned my lesson. I can write in moderation which means 15 to 20 minutes a day, maybe two times a day if I am feeling well. I can work on my novel and I can visit friends on my computer network, but the key is moderation. I will learn to rejoice in all the gifts that God has given me. I am blessed because I can still do these things!

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