When your career comes to a sudden and abrupt end, the loss can be staggering. Suddenly I found myself unable to work, unable to contribute to the support of my family, and lost without my occupation. My co-workers were my friends, but they kept in touch with me for only a short time after my disability began. Our conversations went something like this:
Friend: “How are you doing?”
Me: “I am doing ok, but only by the grace of God. It’s hard.”
Friend: “Really? I wish I could stop working and do all the things I never have time to do.”
Me: “Well, it’s not really like that. First of all, if you’re ill or injured, you can’t do all the things that you want to do. It’s frustrating.”
Friend: “I’m sure it can be, but it must be like a vacation. You can travel whenever you want and if you’re not feeling well one day, you can just stay home. You can’t do that and work.”
Me: “It’s not a vacation. You don’t have an income. And if you’re too ill to work, why do you think you are well enough to travel?”
Friend: “Oh I didn’t mean it that way, I was just dreaming. You are so lucky. Take up a hobby or just kick back and relax.”
Me: “I don’t feel lucky. I miss work and I feel angry that this is happening to me. You know I’m not sure who I am without my job.”
Friend: “Gee, it was nice talking to you and I wish I had more time, but I have to work. We’ll keep in touch.”
And then they don’t call anymore and they act too busy when you call them. Everything that you know changes in the blink of an eye.
I was plagued by one question. Who am I? I had been a healthcare administrator for years and it had become part of my persona. As a professional working woman, I was comfortable making decisions, having authority, and I had excelled at my work, but who was I now? Disability had become my identity thief.
I had a very active lifestyle and suddenly I was being told to relax. With my increasing physical limitations, constant pain, and the loss of the ability to drive, I was home bound. I couldn’t use my arms for more than twenty minutes at a time without having severe pain. Simple tasks had become difficult. Cooking a meal, using a computer to answer e-mails, or playing piano became overwhelming. I couldn’t find a hobby that didn’t increase my chronic pain.
And you start to wonder, “How in the world am I supposed to enjoy living when I can’t do anything without pain? What in the world am I supposed to do besides give up? The loss of physical abilities along with the respect, achievements, and accomplishments from my career, left me feeling like I had nothing left. I began to feel that I was worthless, alone, and robbed of my former self.
I had always been a self reliant, independent woman, but now I was dependent on my husband. Irrational fear of being left alone and fear of the unknown future started to consume my thoughts. I slipped deeper into a depressive, angry state, where I either cried, or was sharp and abrasive. I clung to my husband’s side as if I was about to lose him at any moment. But whenever he tried to help me, I pushed him away. Why was God allowing this to happen to me? I was being stripped of every shred of my identity and without my career, I didn’t really know who I was anymore!
And then I started thinking about a man who once had it all and was at the peak of his career. He rose to the highest level, was admired by many, and everything in his career was perfect. Everyone he touched was made perfect. At thirty three years of age, his life drastically changed and he began to experience rejection, suffering, and torment like no one has ever known. He was abandoned by those who were his friends. He felt incredible pain as nails were driven into his hands and feet. But he knew who he was, he knew that his life was so much more than his career, and he knew that God had a glorious plan for him. Jesus was the Lamb of God who saved man from sin.
That’s when I finally stopped asking questions. I began to pray for God to fulfill His plan for my life; whatever that may be. Once I began reading the Bible, earnestly praying, and praising God, peace settled over me and I was comforted in knowing that God has a wonderful plan for me too. I am not my career. That was only a job. Chronic pain does not define who I am. Each new day is no longer a challenge, it is a new chance to see where God will take me.
No comments:
Post a Comment